Parenting and PTSD
Preface:
I realize that my blog sometimes implies that parenthood is all sunshine and roses...but different mothers may have completely different experiences and a different attitude when it comes to parenthood.
Today, I am hosting a guest blog by my dear lifetime friend, Summer, who is a mother of 3 who suffers from PTSD and depression. It is her wish to inform and help others in her predicament, and let them know they are not alone!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Before, When I thought about PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), I always pictured my father; A man sent to Vietnam who had seen horrors beyond recall. Someone who cried out in their sleep, didn't talk much, and definitely never talked about the cause of his nightmares and episodes. It never occurred to me that I could have this illness. Yet here I stand, diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.
I'm not writing this today to tell you how I got this way, I'm asking you to listen to how it affects daily life as a stay at home mom with three children ranging from four years to nine months old.
1: GUILT
If something has gone wrong, then I swear I am guilty for making it go wrong. My very presence makes my kids cry – I'm sure of it. This is what my illness tells me. Guilt tells me that I should have washed those dishes last night even if it was only two sippy cups. Guilt tells me that anytime my kids act up it's because I'm a horrible person and must be screwing up their lives simply by being their mother. This is what guilt says. The truth is, screw you, Guilt. None of these are true; in fact it's ridiculous to even think that way! But there it sits, whispering it's lies into my head. Hey, Guilt, get off my back man, the real world is bad enough without your B.S.
2: SHAME
Oh my... Tis a doozy, the things shame can make you think.
How utterly awful of me to smack my child's hand when they reach for something they shouldn't touch! I have scarred them for eternity!
I forgot to grab the right kind of chili seasoning at the store? Obviously, I am unfit to do so much as grocery shop. Off to the corner with you, and don't come back until you have fully explored the many ways in which you have shamed your family!
3: ANGER
Let’s face it, we all get angry with our kids. Don’t lie, you know you’ve totally thought about duct taping at least one of them to a wall just to get some peace for five minutes. When you have PTSD, it’s as if your anger just bubbles under the surface and you find yourself wanting scream and throw a tantrum right next to the toddler who is doing exactly that. But, as an adult, you suck it up, grit your teeth and try to calm your little one as well as you can. If that doesn't work, let them have the fit, go hide in your closet with some chocolate and your meds if you have them and wait it out. It's not worth being angry at everyone and everything for the next 24 hours because your kiddo doesn't like the color of the strawberry milk they just asked for.
4: WITHDRAWAL
Whether you have PTSD or not, I think any parent can relate to simply not wanting to have anything to do with a single living soul sometimes. However, being a parent with PTSD makes this feeling about a thousand times more powerful and all you really want to do is hide somewhere dark and comfy with nary a soul in sight for at least three days. This is impossible, because you are responsible for the well being of tiny humans – tiny, demanding humans who want every ounce of attention you have solely focused on them, while touching you with god only knows what stuck on their hands. At this point it's as if the whole world is about to crumble around you and you didn't even bring Wile. E. Coyote’s umbrella.
As parents, we suck these feelings up and smash them into a tight little ball where they will remain hidden until we become senile enough to not give a crap anymore. As parents with PTSD we circle these feelings over and over in our heads until they become all consuming and sleep becomes a whimsical creature that we barely know of and have no clue how to find. As for me, I deal with it the best I can with a dose of humor and a Xanax, while talking to my counselor. If you find yourself stuck in this place, don't give up, don't panic (if you can manage it) and call for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or being a bad parent. It shows how much you really care for those little ones and you know when you've reached your limit and need a break. Even if it's only an hour while you cry in your room while someone else plays Legos with your tiny humans. Be strong...You can do this!
HERE ARE SOME LINKS TO HELP:
If you are a mother suffering from PTSD, depression, or postpartum depression, get help. Talk to someone, let your family know what's going on. You aren't doing anyone any good by hiding it. You can find out more about these issues from the links below:
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
"I am a mother, a wife and a Goofball, welcome to my struggles with daily life! Some days are glorious and others are what nightmares are made of. I hope you enjoy the good with me and find peace in the fact that you are not alone. Among my struggles are Major Depression Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. sometimes I wallow in darkness and other times I am a complete guide to the world of geekdom."
-Summer Waite
Here is a direct link to her blog:
And here is is her facebook profile:
Top photo credit: cdn.pixabay.com
