When Do Children Develop Empathy?
I was surprised when I realized that even newborn infants exhibit signs of empathy. (For instance, have you ever heard one newborn hear another baby cry and start crying as a result?)
And yet, with every passing day, my daughter is finding new and exquisitely beautiful and endearing ways to express empathy.
EXPRESSING EMPATHY
The other day, I was reading my daughter a book about a mommy and baby elephant. Its a book I read her all the time. Its one of her favorites - She often picks it out and brings it to me so I will read it to her.
The mommy has to go away, and then she eventually comes back. In one of the scenes from the book, you see a very small dark silhouette on the horizon, which is mommy coming back. At this point in the story, I pointed to the small blob and said "There's mommy! She came back!"
She kept pointing to it and exclaiming in animated, elated gibberish! She flipped the page, then flipped back and did the same thing over and over again. In between times, she would periodically look up at me with a smile and a twinkle in her eye! I read her the rest of the book, and she went back to this page and did the same thing some more. Each time, seeming so excited to see the mommy elephant!
Maybe it dawned on her that this was the mommy elephant- even though in this picture, she looks SMALLER than the baby, so maybe it was a revelation to her that this is just perspective, that things further away look smaller?
Maybe she was impersonating me in my eager exclamation "mommy came back!" As children often imitate their parents.
Maybe she is developing a broader sense of empathy, and that she can relate to the baby elephant missing its mommy and her missing her mommy when mommy is at work.
EMPATHIC COMMUNICATION
Maybe it was her way to communicate with me without having another way of doing so. Maybe she was trying to tell me she misses me, and that she is excited to see me when I come home from work at the end of the day.
Whatever it was, my eyes welled up with emotion.
If that wasn't what I thought it was, I believe she does still express empathy all the time.
For instance, we were in the living room, and happened to catch a "sad scene" on a T. V. show that was on. She started to cry - it wasn't a baby cry. It wasn't a vocal wailing or a temper tantrum or anything…she just watched, captivated by the scene, as one fat tear rolled down her cheek. Not only did she understand what was going on, but she expressed empathy! What a concept! It was so touching, that it hit my heart, but in a good way.
On another occasion, her daddy got food poisoning and he was bundled up in a ball on the couch, doubled over in pain. Jade came over to him, crawled up into his lap, and just sat their cuddling with him for quite awhile. It was so touching to see that she felt compassionate empathy for his suffering and tried to assuage it by offering a big bear hug! She is just so sweet and thoughtful of others' feelings!
She is also getting to the point where if I ask her to hand me something, she will. This works well when she occasionally grabs something she shouldn't be playing with. Sometimes, she will hand me something, and I will exclaim, "Thank you!" and if its one of her toys, I will then hand it back and say, "You can have it!" She loves making a game of this, and will hand it back to me a number of times, and each time I will do the same thing. She really gets a kick out of this, and will often start giggling uncontrollably. I think she is happy because her action made me express gratitude and happiness.
ROOTS OF EMPATHY
On her first birthday, we gave her a spoon to eat her cake. She would hold up the spoon to others around her to give them a bite of her cake!
I don't know if these are related, but I have to mention these things here because one of the main concerns I had with the notion of raising a single child was the worry that she would not learn how to share things, as I did when I was growing up with 3 siblings. So far, she seems to be so sharing, caring, and considerate, its just incredible!
She will run up to people and give them a hug when they come over. She has now even started kissing people on the cheek.
Every day, she does something that amazes and surprises me, and melts my heart!
LEARNING EMPATHY
New parents may be asking questions like: "Is empathy learned?" or, "How can I teach my kids empathy?" My experience has been that you don't directly "teach" empathy. To a certain degree, it seems inherent. And yet, to a large extent, we are teaching children empathy through our own actions. After all, the faculty of empathy is exhibited through picking up on others' behavior. Learning empathy is in and of itself an act if empathy!
As long as you show virtuosity, your child will pick up on your virtues and ethics and act in kind. You do not need to "teach" empathy so much as allow your child the self-expression it takes to figure out how to interact with others. This freedom of trial and error will help a toddler's social development. After all, they are constantly observing, adapting, adjusting, learning, responding... Developing empathy is an ongoing, ever-evolving process.
Children are such a constant delight. As long as you don't try to control them too much; Just allow them to express themselves freely…and I'm sure you will be delightfully surprised as well!
For a more on child psychology and an in-depth description of the stages of empathy in children, you can read on here:
To read about the importance of empathy, as well as 3 types of empathy, go to:
